I’m having a lot of currently complicated feelings about… big changes. I’ve been wrestling a lot with feelings of regret as I learn the art of capturing moments into stills and trying to be kind to myself about those missed chances. I’m trying to divorce my hobby of photography from an obsessive need to capture every single moment, from kicking myself with every instance I miss.
I’m not a photographer, not really. I was once a filmmaker but nowhere is quite built for sharing small slices, small pieces of me and the things that I see. So I pivoted. Past an aching nervousness, past feeling like an absolute imposter and despite all the discouragement of an old teacher (yikes, ten years ago, now).
I like to think that my voice in my photos has become stronger. I am enjoying the push and pull, the thrill against my own social anxiety and convention. Instead of worrying about missed moments. I take the time to make moments, to make my space in the world. To occupy instances of time I might be too shy to insist upon. If I don’t take these moments… I miss my chances. Sometimes I am okay with that. Sometimes the chance is not worth taking. I think these small lessons have taught me that it’s alright to make the mistake. To miss the moment. I will grow my eye for these moments with every chance and every missed instance.
I think there’s something to be said about this, even in our lived experiences. In all of my time, both childhood and adulthood, I’ve missed chance after chance to document these spaces up north, the moments I’ve spent time there. I have a few to speak for. Certainly family members can pull up old files. But I sometimes lament the thought of missing the last chance I had to take in my grandmother’s old home.
I took these knowing I’d feel this way if I didn’t take the chance, even if the moment seemed strange. Even if it perhaps looked a little strange to those who didn’t realise I was into photography as a hobby in the first place. I took the moment inside myself to trust my eye, and take this time and this space.
Just these last two years I can feel the ways in which I’ve grown up. But somehow I feel like I have so much growing to do, still. Maybe that’s just a feeling that sticks with you forever. Honestly, that would have scared me once, to know that I’d never really feel ‘grown up’. That there’s not a particular age that determines this. That I’ll always be learning and changing and growing and becoming something different with every stage of my life.
I’m not scared of that now. I’m definitely more scared of not getting to experience that full ride though.
I took these photos during the small get-together after the funeral of a man who was the life and soul of this place. Of every place I knew up here in Lac-Des-Plages. He was a grandparent to me, his big jovial smile is distant in my memory already. It’s been years since I’ve seen it proper even when he was still with us. It’s sad what illness and ailment can do to a person.
Change is exciting, but change can also be just as terrifying. I’m used to change being a crushing weight in my life as of late. I’ve lost a lot of family, and a lot of memories with them. I’ve lost a lot of places that were once dismal escapes as a kid. Being ‘forced’ to go play outside and make the memories I look back on fondly now. Sometimes I wish I could experience them just one more time.
I don’t really know what to feel very much these days. But I know that change is inevitable, and a lot of it is out of my control, and losing this control is terrifying, but I’ll adapt and change, and one day grow from it. Become a more well-rounded person, become a more jaded and sharp personality. Who really knows until it happens to me in real time. I think either of these happening is okay. I’m allowed to be a rough personality, to be disliked from time to time. To be disliked by certain people. To have hard feelings to decipher and build a hard shell that softens only with time. I’ve been giving myself permission to feel these emotions, but not to dwell on them. The second part is the hardest.
I also know that a lot of change comes from within, from decision I make going forward. People say life is short, but really its the longest length of time we have. I’ve come to notice the stillness of time taken in small moments. In breathing fresh air, in centring myself in moments of bliss, and happiness. Acknowledging these moments as strongly as I (unfortunately) dwell on things that hurt and take pieces of me with them.
Its been difficult, but I think I’m doing okay all the same.
Our first show of the year kicks off with a bang. There were a lot of ups and downs (admittedly a lot more downs than usual, sorry this post is going to get a bit more Honest) but I went into it knowing there were going to be a lot of “Moments”. I think its important to establish that Calgary Expo is one of the many conventions bought by Fan Expo Canada so needless to say that since the pandemic started its only been getting more and more corporate.
Which honestly? Is really frustrating when you’re an exhibitor. But I digress.
Admittedly we were really nervous going into this weekend. The convention locked us into a really unreasonable contract we couldn’t get out of without losing the money we paid into it. The convention itself didn’t release the health and safety measures until two weeks prior to the convention despite this rigorous contract stipulating that we were going to get this information a whole 30 days prior to show opening. Their safety measures consisted of, ‘wear a mask if you feel like it,’ and ‘if you’re sick we recommend masking,’…. which didn’t satiate anyone’s attitude towards us while we were there and still opting to keep our masks on the entire time.
We weren’t fools, we knew Alberta’s health and safety guidelines were atrocious and they had done away with masks since January. Our main reason for visiting the province at all was to get to visit with my partner’s parents (and honestly that whole part of the trip was really nice). Tas had seen them November of last year but I hadn’t been back since the start of the pandemic (likely early December 2019). The change of scenery was really nice, even if Calgary has only grown ever more hostile over the two years we’ve been away.
THE SHOW ITSELF
We’ve done this show, twice before this I believe and in my time doing it the show has always been four days long Thursday-Sunday. This year’s schedule dropped us right back into insane work hours with Artist Alley/Vendor floor opening hours being:
(I don’t really remember Thursday & Friday being quite this terrible hours-wise but I’d have to find my old badges to confirm).
My opinion is the same every year with Thursday being an honest waste of time for AA/Vendors with such a quiet turn around of attendees and being several hours far too late for people to even want to BE at a convention on a week day!! It starts a lot of us off at this show absolutely exhausted and honestly feeling a little wary with so few sales being made for both Thursday AND Friday. I was was humbly surprised in my calculations after the con to find that this time the Thursday was pretty generous to us so I only take back a LITTLE of my angry bias towards it.
We’ve also found that if you tell people they don’t HAVE to wear masks you’re likely going to be at a 60-75% maskless crowd. The first two days were probably the most unnerving days I’ve had in two years but after this you get used to it. I’m still personally favouring masks at big public events (like conventions) even after we have the ok to go maskless because I err have done a couple now with masks and found that I don’t get as cruddy feeling overall when the event is over. (Almost like having a barrier is kind of a good thing? Shock and awe /sarcasm).
Calgary Expo is divided into two main buildings on the stampede grounds the BMO building and the Big Four. For my first year artist alley and Vendors were separated into the [favourites] and the [we have to fill this other building ig]. A few shows that year did the same thing which is honestly an atrocious way to make things work. In years since the Expo has decided to split the show so that vendors are in the BMO and Artist Alley is in the Big Four (and with some of the cute remodels to the Big Four I’m honestly glad for it). The Big Four is a nice and inviting building with all the string lights suspended throughout the space. Its one of the nicer venues I’ve tabled at (even if the staff/set up was a nightmare… who in the world doesn’t number tables during set up)?? Plus all the food trucks are right outside making it extremely accessible for artist alley folks who can stretch their legs and dart for a snack, but it also drives foot traffic to the Big Four which is the smaller of the two buildings.
THE WOUNDED HEART
All of this aside, the moments I’ll remember the most at this show are the ones we made with attendees and people who stopped to chat with us. We had a few weird experiences, more hostile than our usual just overall strangeness. But we had a few really good interactions that sent us on absolute cloud nine.
I’m gonna start with the folks out there creating uncomfortable experiences, because I prefer to end on a high note.
Both my negative experiences came from having to Explain Myself Or My Choices In Regards To The Queer Media I Create. And I’m having a hard time with a particular permeating attitude on this. One particular interaction came from a woman who, as normal, asked me about Myth Retold and what exactly inspired me to create these retellings (I love this question, by the way, and I swear I’m not being sarcastic. It will occasionally catch me off guard as I haven’t had a real chance to speak about these stories since creating them). Most folks take my statement at its face value and accept that I am a half-Greek queer person who likes to envision what ancient Greeks of the queer persuasion might have believed or their versions of the god’s stories they may have told. (This wasn’t err… a good enough reason apparently, and I was left feeling really uncomfortable having to justify it).
The second negative experience came from folks in my own community, younger than I am stating bluntly that our books weren’t ‘gay’ enough and that they were just ‘lesbians’ which frankly is just Rude. Hi, I’m an artist at a booth who can hear what you are saying. For what it’s worth, as a queer person you can engage with media that exists outside of your own lived experience to gain an understanding of your peers. Likewise, as my mom always said, if you have nothing nice or constructive to say don’t say it at all (or like, at least walk to the next aisle to trash talk with your friends, conventions are loud but we can still hear you and all of your weird opinions).
Phew. All that off my chest now (I know, its a lot) I feel like I can finally sit in all the good exchanges we had.
THE GOOD VIBES~
First off, this was The First Calgary show we’ve done with Paint The Town Red on the table which was extremely exciting. Most of our table’s stock was new even if some stories were re-dressed with fancy new covers. Folks had really good reactions to them and I shared very many feelings with those who also believed Medusa could have had a much better outcome in her story (for all those who got yourself a copy I hope the read is as cathartic as it was for me to retell the tale <3).
I absolutely live for folks pointing at our short-descriptions for Prism Knights, shout out to all of the sad bisexuals overcoming grief, you will get there one day. We’re all having a chuckle amongst one another but I hope you all find some sort of solace and peace. My most favourite interaction in this regard happened on the Friday I believe. This person is also a writer and felt compelled to re-visit our table after reading a part of Velvet. From one writer to another, you were absolutely right when you said that it was worth coming back and telling me about your positive experience with my work. We don’t always get the feedback but when it’s such a gleaming praise it will keep you on cloud nine for days if not weeks (I am still thinking about your glowing review as I work on my next story, it has really touched me to my core having worked on so many projects throughout the pandemic and getting to hear that others really connect with the work you’ve been making). I know that, now more than ever, a story like Velvet is likely to really resonate with folks, for better or worse. I hope it brings anyone who reads it some peace <3
Interactions like these are great reminders to myself to reach out and tell someone when I think their work is just amazing. When it connects with me so strongly. I want to be better at this. I want to be able to give someone That good experience in a show that may have been, overall, rather dismal.
Generally, throughout the weekend, interacting with people was definitely something I’ve missed. Watching kids grow wide-eyed at our wall of pins, crouching with their parents to show off their knowledge of planets and mythos. Watching groups of friends flip through our books and show one another.
It breaks my heart to know how cruel Calgary has been to its young queers, and brings me hope that some have found themselves in the work we were making. Someone told us we were one of the only two queer tables selling queer stories at this con, a great decline in the dozen-or-so before the pandemic. Keep strong out there. We will keep coming back to you if we can help it <3
We found our table decimated, coming home with only a few (1-2 copies) of only a few of our remaining books. I couldn’t be more proud of us and the work we have put into this small business and this strive to create strong queer stories for those who might need them.
OVERALL
Calgary Expo is a very weird space for us. It feels like we are fighting against the current at a show like this, that at any moment a shoe will drop. This is the first and only convention so far that I have felt weary being openly queer at. The space is pretty, but the hate in this city is thick in the air.
We’re planning on doing the show once more next year, we will likely keep doing it if it keeps proving profitable but there is a feeling here that makes it a little nerve-wracking for our next booth at this show.
